Words From My Heart

Finally,i got the nerve to post something today...
Yesterday was awful but the past 2 days was much more awful but i'm very happy that i finally know what i really wanted.

I realized I was too selfish without informing anyone that i have to be alone and give myself a little time to think what is best and what is the most important in my life.
But first,i still want to apologize to my best friend-Ting2. I know she is the one who was very worry about me. Not seeing a day is like a weird day for her. she was probably just freaking out like " oh my God, where the hell she's going? Dis she doing just find ? what am i going to do? why she didn't answer my call? Why she off her phone? "
Maybe, she'll just totally gone mad and pissing off!. Sorry Ting... I'm really sorry. That day was a great day for me to be alone. You know i like rain especially when it is March... So, i made up my mind to go to the place which i think is very good to think,to refresh and just to give myself a break. Thanks God, i think a lot.

And For Sam,i'm sorry too. i know you probably thinking " is she going out with him again? Oh my God! Do i did something wrong last night? where the hell she's going? Why i can't call her? I knew your first reaction will be like going out with him cause the faith you've with me is not strong enough to ensure that i'll never betrayed you. Thats you! from the beginning till the end. Never change and still so doubting.

For mom, i know she's not too worry about me because she was busy with her shop and not really care about me since the shop is opened. but nevermind,i'm used too it. I never had the negative thinking about you cause you always did what is best for me . Thanks MOM.

And For Dad... hmm,he's the one who is having the greatest faith in myself. He never doubt whatever i do, he never worried about who i meet and who i talk to and even where i'll be. thanks Dad for the faith you have in me. I promise i'll stay cute and be a good girl. Stay Cool too! :)

Now,its time to convey what is on my mind. lets start with the family first. God is first but i know He knows what i'm doing. Seems so hard to leave this family when i;m thinking i'm going to leave this home someday. I don't know when will that "someday " be but perhaps its coming soon. This home gives so much memories to me. My friends had been here,my boyfriend... and slowly one by one is leaving this home, First start with my eldest sister and then me...What i trying to say is i'm worry about my mom and my dad. They had been working so hard at shop and i know they are tired once they come back home so i hope i made their work easy by make sure i did my "housekeeping " everyday.but who is going to replace me when i'm not here? My brother? oh no, its like its very impossible for him to sweeps the floor, to mop the floor. Just looking at his bedroom and you'll know what i mean. he didn't even care about his bedroom's cleanliness... and now we have to talk about house? FAINT!every night i pray,he will realize what life is all about. Not just the games and his GF! Oh God, please send his the alarm or sms or call to ask him change....

Second, my study...I want to be a doctor... I'm thinking if only i got the money,everything will like "tap" (clap your hand) but not, this is me, i'm a middle class person. i lived a life which is just enough to live. I got 6 A's and so what? do i get the right like any other malay students? NO, this life is so unfair! I'm not smart, if you said i'm smart, i answer you that i'm not smart. i'm not born to be genius not even to get A without working hard. i get every knowledge by reading,do revision and memorizing and i'm not the one who can get straight A without revision every chapter at least one weeks before any exam.So, please... the government got to do something on this. God, help me, guide me...

third,relationship. I went to Mesilau that day. its not raining there but its a gloomy day. its like the day was having the same mood with me. We both sad and we both wanted to cry but we don't cry. we hang on and stay tough! Sam,there are a lot of problem between us. either you realize it or not there are a lot of problems between us!. i know you still worry about my relationship with him. You ask me did i called him recently? did i go out with him? Did i meet him?So what if i called him? so what if i sms with him? and so what if i go out with him? you jealous? If you keep on worry about my relationship with him , leave me! this is not our relationship is going to continue if you continue to check me... I know what i do and i know what makes you feel hurt but you just can't stop me from finding him just because you scares something is going to happen between us. You gotta trust me. You said you trust me, but what have you did to me? you treat me like a kid. You doubt who i am sms with and you doubt everything when it comes to him. Please, i have enough of it.He is my first love, i admit i still can't forget him. If you ask me, if i still love him. Honestly i admit i still love him! there is no way i can forget him by taking one year or just 2 years. I'm sorry, i can't do it. You may think i'm a liar when i said i still love him. but don't you see i've changed a lot because of you. I'm putting much much much efforts to forget him. My consciousness is still good,working. I know when i talk to him, i can talk like i used to when i'm with him, i can't look the way i used to look at him. I know all of that. I know all the barrier between a friend and a boyfriend!and everytime we argue,please don't let other people involved in our problem. You know what i mean. this is our problem, so solve it yourself. Don't let other people worry about you,especially your aunt. think about it. and then the last thing is about your mom. i don't want to repeat this but strictly i want to say i wont respect someone who is don't respect me at all. if you said your mom is like that, so do i, i'm like this.

I know there a lot of thing that i can satisfy you. I'm not pretty, i;m not cute. But all i can promise you is that i am sincere,i'm honest everytime i am with you and i precious this relationship. I know we've been through a lot of thing but this is not the best reason to let me stay by your side. Lastly, i love you. You know i love you. although i didn't tell you that i love you much often as you do but deep in my heart there is always a love for you. I beg you not to let me suffer anymore. Please it hurts me so much.


Love,
Sharon Lim

Again

Tonight, i cried again... i don't know how to describe my feeling right now.... and i don't understand what i actually wanted for myself... but i think at least my bf can help me on that... but em, i guess he's not going to do so...haih, does boys always like that? they just want to see how cute you are, how pretty you are and how beautiful and even worst how sexy you are... sometimes,i think about how and why i have to be like this. at first, i should just get over it and just pick the new one... yeah,because they don't even appreciate you. all they know is to comment and keep on saying you should do this on your that, do that on your this and act like this when people say like this... I thought he's not that type but after all what I've been through,plus tonight, i know who he is becoming of... its pissing me off... my heart broken... its like it being punch into a hole.what really people are becoming of when you are just this? i mean i'm just "this", and i cant be " that "...

I might being ungrateful right now but what i feel cant stop myself from saying some ungrateful like this. Do i have to put much efforts on something like that? Do i have to? Now i know that " sincere " is not just the element that you need in relationship. they sometimes need satisfaction. I'm 18 and i think its normal to think of the negative side right now... i always jealous and proud of my friends cause they are having such a big boobs... you know what i mean? and i do have pretty peer that loved by everyone but i dont know how their relationship are but this female booster things is just not my style....Today, my bf keep telling me what is lack in myself... i cant get over it... maybe he's not the one for me and yes maybe i should just let him go.


At first,
he's the one who is saying that he is okay with " this "
Things change and people change,
He is starting to ask for "that"
and i said i just cant be "that"
cause "this" is me and "that" is her,
and so, i said, you can have " that "
and please let me go!

hi guys, i'm here to post something. I hope you guys can leave some comments. So that i know how's your opinions.

Today,when i took dinner with my mom along with my little brother, we talked and discussed something about my future. You might ask why where is my dad... Hee,my dad always take his dinner earlier than anyone of us. Its kinda habit for him... Okay.continue my story. When we ate, i tell mom how scary i am because the SPM results is coming out and its on a date,six days left. My mom said "you'd study and did your best. Besides,you spend most of your time to study,why can't you get good grades?" i was like ... Yeah,mom was right,why i'm freaking scared? I think its common and i believe everyone scares too... Then suddenly,she talked about my boyfriend. She said when i'm going to marry him,i'll know how hard to earn money and what life really is. My head switched to what my best friend had told me yesterday and this evening. Then,i said i'm not going to marry him until every problems that we'd faced are settled. And i added if i really get the chance to study at the unitesity and found someone brilliant and greater than him as well as falling in love with the guy i've met,i'll leave him... Then,my mom was like"why you have to couple with him if you don't want to marry him?" is not that i don't want to marry him,is i'm not guarantee... Things change and people always change. In fact,me and him have to get through a lot of obstacles and circumstances. No one know if we can be together till that day when i'm going to walking through the aisle and say "i do". Then , i replied my mom"mom,i know you like him and i know how much you wish i can marry to him. And i know you care what people are talking about us. Yes,he was always here and everyone saw i'm with him,but it doesn't mean i have to be with him and guarantee and just lock myself to be his forever. I have my right. You think i have to wait and just marry the guy who comes to house and discuss about the engagement and proposal like you used to when you were young? We don't have that tradition now... I'm me,i have right." after i finished my words,i realized how over i am and i saw mom don't wish to continue the conversation already. I hurt her. Because thats how my mom get married. My mom didn't couple with my dad for a long time. They just did the traditional one. My heart was aching, and i can see how bad my mom feel...

See,me and my mom talked a lot about this and its like today is the thousand times... And no wonder i get mad when we talked about this... Because mom insists to her decision,but so do i. I hope she understands my condition. I'm happy that my mom blesses my relationship with him but i've to admit i can't stand any longer if his mother keep talking my bad thing as if i did a big big mistakes. His mother keeps on having a bad impression about me... And everytime there is a problem,i'm the one who has to bare the pain. Even my boyfriend didn't stand by my side... I know why he did that because thats his mother but people makes mistakes,so do his mother... Why he didn't corrected her... Haih, everytime i prayed to God.. I shared and i let him decide the time and the solution. I'm hoping so that God gives a way for this problem. But i guess the time haven't come yet. I afraid when God prepares the way, i'm on my way to give up cause its very hard to endure all the pain...

Mom,i hope you understand me. I'm so sorry for being rude to you. I love you mom,a lot...forgive me.